Good Grief

1. You are the one hurting, not them. Their hurt is over. There is comfort in that.
2. They are dead. Whatever you do or say about them, they don’t mind. They don’t care.
3. You look at people driving, laughing, pulling out of grocery stores, going into coffee joints and you wonder, how are they doing this? How do they have the strength? DON’T THEY KNOW THAT SOMEONE CLOSE TO YOU JUST DIED??? You will feel this way for a good few months, probably. Especially if you were very close to the person who is now passed.
4. Everything feels heavy in the beginning. Each small everyday act feels as if it has a 20-pound weight tied to each limb. Even the smallest acts, like opening the fridge. You will feel this way for a few weeks, then it will gradually get lighter. Probably. No promises.
5. It doesn’t get easier. Time does not heal wounds. But you do get stronger. No shit. I promise.
6. There will be moments when you get pissed because you’ve forgotten something. Either something that’s completely gone from your mind and you struggle to remember, or something you just now remembered and you’re pissed because you just now thought of it when you should’ve been thinking of it all along and would have, if that person were still here. You desperately don’t want to forget. Be pissed for a week of so. Then make yourself move on.
7. You are a changed person once they leave and you have overwhelming grief. You are no longer the person you were. You will not only mourn the loss of your loved one but the loss of yourself. You are not you anymore. You are that other guy, or that other woman, when you refer to earlier times with the one who has passed.
8. Don’t judge anyone’s grief process. We are all different. There is no time line for this, there are no rules. It is truly ours, in any way we have it. It’s like how people refer to mistakes. They are truly the only things that are ours. Mistakes and grief. And body odor. (Come on, I had to stick something funny in here, for Pete’s sake.) 🙂
9. The people to hate here are the ones who belittle your experience. “It was puppy love,” “Get back out there,” “Get over it already,” “It’s already been six months,” etc… Those are people who can’t understand, who have not been through what you’ve been through. Refer to #10.
10. People will say some fucked up things. Mostly it’s because they don’t know what else to do and what they say comes across awkward and even offensive. Maybe they have never dealt with it. You are entitled to hate them for that, but just for a little while. They just don’t know any better. Be mad, be hateful, be jealous if you want. You’re entitled. But just for a while. Ten years tops.
11. Don’t let the Band-aid stay on too long, or your wound will get soggy underneath and won’t heal. At some point it needs to be exposed. It will be ugly and not feel good at first, but it’s a necessary step in the healing process. After a few months, look at the wealth of pictures, read the emails from that person again, listen to their voice mails. You will cry, you will rage. But you will heal just a little bit. I promise.
12. Some days you will be back at square one. This could be years later. You will still be angry that he/she is not around anymore and you will feel cheated, of the loss of him, and the loss of yourself. You will feel as if it just happened. This is ok. This is part of it.
13. In the early days, you gotta do what you gotta do. Drown yourself in alcohol? Drink on bro. Chain smoke? Smoke on, sister. These are the trenches. Nobody can tell you how to handle it. It is emergency time, and you alone can know what it takes to get you through. Do it. Fuck what everyone else says.
14. When people tell you God needed an angel, there are two ways to go with this: you can chalk it up to their faith and the fact that they think they are comforting you, or you can tell them that they are obnoxious and to fuck off. Either way is acceptable.
15. Reminders will come at odd times. At first it is excruciating, probably. It can still be excruciating after years, but you can choose how to look at it. No matter your religious beliefs, you can choose to believe that the person who is gone gave you a little gift in the form of a reminder, to say they are still around watching over you, or you can choose to believe it was coincidence and/or some cosmic smart remark and be grumpy all day. If you can’t prove it either way… well, I say, if you can’t prove it either way, go with whatever makes you feel better. And when I say go with what makes you feel better, keep in mind what your loved one would want for you. Your loved one probably wouldn’t want you to be a miserable dope all the time. So good luck with that.