Resolutions for the New and Improved Whoa-Man
*This is dedicated to those who agree with me. Happy new year!
I had an amazing, sharp and witty blog written, all ready to upload and share on Facebook. Crafted with those in mind who are tired of enduring endless crap from friends and family, they were well-designed resolutions for the new year that will free us put-upon folks and help us live bullshit-free lives.
See, we all know that most people blow them off within a few days, but let’s face it: those are the dull ones, like quitting drinking, losing weight, and not wearing other people’s underwear. THIS year, I have resolved to do something revolutionary!
So I wrote it, and sent it to three of my best buds before posting it. I got these texts back within fifteen minutes:
RHONDA: Awesome! Love it! You nailed it!
MELANIE: Perfect! Well done!
BOYFRIEND: You’re seriously going to post this? I wouldn’t do that.
Leave it to Boyfriend to poo poo my masterpiece. I should’ve just stuck with my girlfriends’ praise.
“What’s wrong with it?” I asked him when I got to his place a little while later.
“It sounds really angry.”
“So?” I asked. “I have a lot of be angry about.”
“Why don’t you just brood about it silently like everyone else does? Why does everything have to go online?”
“Because I’m a writer, that’s why. And I want to help other women resolve to weed out people and behaviors they don’t need in their lives. I have a responsibility to my readers.”
“No, you just want to start shit,” he said.
Admittedly, my original blog was somewhat inflammatory; however, most of the people whose behaviors I find radically annoying don’t bother to read my blog anyway. So if you are reading this, and you want me to send you the original, I’d be happy to. Otherwise, here’s the abbreviated list of Ways I Am Changing My Responses to Stupid Shit:
Nutcases who repeatedly ask for my advice but never, ever take it. Resolution: Hide booze when they come over unannounced, learn to screen calls and not feel guilty about it.
People too busy to call or text me back but who have time to post a fucktillion pictures of themselves with their new significant other on Facebook. Resolution: unfollow on FB, find a new website designer, refuse to provide any more job references.
People who come over and bitch about how gross my house is. Resolution: Stop inviting these friends over unless they are coming to clean the tub.
People who think they know how to discipline my cats, but find it perfectly acceptable to give chicken nuggets to a screaming child who refuses to eat his vegetables. Resolution: train my cats to shit in their purse. Maybe the little prince will eat that.
People who claim to have a genius idea for writing a book, take up a lot of my time asking advice on how to self-publish, then abandon it at the first sign of writer’s block. Resolution: direct people to this blog next time they think they can do what I have spent years learning how to do, charge a $75/hour consultation fee.
Those who think my taste in music/movies/celebrities is stupid simply because it isn’t theirs. Resolution: Limit contact with these people, and watch Star Trek: Voyager only with people who aren’t assholes.
People whose thinly veiled jealousy prompts them to make comments designed to make me feel stupid. Resolution: I don’t even know where to begin with people like this. Perhaps I am just too stupid. However, I am not too stupid to understand that their little jabs are a product of their own insecurities, and have nothing to do with me.
Okay, I apologize if this comes off as angry. I’m really not. I’m simply… resolved. I have resolved not to allow these people to get away with this kind of rude behavior anymore. Too often, women are socialized to be the people pleasers and not make waves. Fuck it. I’m forty-two and a half, and the only people who truly deserve my niceties are my amazeballs boyfriend of six years, my closest friends (the ones who DON’T fit in any of the above categories) and my cats. I’m also very nice to strangers, if they don’t have a toddler screaming for chicken nuggets.
The thing is, no one is without fault. I’m sure I have habits that drive my friends crazy. (Except for my boyfriend, who undoubtedly thinks I’m perfect in every way possible.) These resolutions are not to blame or judge anyone. They are about doing what I feel is necessary to have more peace and serenity in my life. They are about changing my responses to things.
Thanks for reading this blog, and for reading my books, and stay strong, my friends. May 2016 be the year of Not Putting Up With Anymore Bullshit.