The Rolling Wagon of Foolishness

 Oct. 5, 2013

8:30am, Memphis, TN: First stop (other than the gas station, where there was a sign above the door that said, “Eat yourself”… not kidding) is Sun Studios, the birthplace of rock n’ roll. We decide to be cheap and not blow the twelve bucks for a tour. We use the bathroom, take a picture of us arguing over what to put in the jukebox, decide not to put money in the jukebox, and get back on the road.

10:00am, near Augusta, Arkansas: First pee break. Melanie suggests that to avoid the boredom we should play our version of Marco Polo, which she calls Farto Burpo. We did not play this game, because the game of Marco Polo is loosely based on the concept of hiding and seeking, and it was painfully obvious from which location these bodily functions occurred. We decided instead to listen to the CD mix I made for her (aptly titled “Melanie’s Butt Stinks, Vol. 45”) and drive on with the windows down.

1:15pm, Dardanelle, Arkansas: The rain pelts us as we decide to break for lunch. Melanie reminds me of that scene in Bad Teacher when Cameron Diaz is driving, eating a sandwich, smoking a cigarette, and putting on mascara, seemingly all at once. Melanie ate her Subway Spicy Italian while driving, checking her GPS, incessantly talking about her boyfriend, and burping. I stare in admiration.

3pm, Sallisaw, Oklahoma: The Rolling Wagon of Foolishness continues across the country. We have the idea to take pictures of ourselves beside the “Welcome to Oklahoma” sign with the caption, “We put the HO in Oklahoma,” but the heavy rains prevent us from getting out of the car. I guess there goes my dream of putting “I put the KAN in Kansas” as the caption to our Kansas sign with our butts facing the camera.

4:30pm: Traffic increases as we near Tulsa. I am attempting to sleep to try to avoid the pressure in my bladder. We have a tough time getting over in the next lane as it narrows to one lane due to construction. Suddenly we are let in by a sympathetic trucker. I have a sneaking feeling that Melanie flashed him a breast. Or did I dream that?

7:00pm, Wellington, Kansas: We stop at Penny’s Diner. Melanie orders the trashiest dinner possible and I order something called the “Watching Your Weight Plate.” I realize once again that life is not fair. I also notice that Tuesday’s special is called the Cheez Whiz Philly. Melanie remarks how we should’ve been here last Tuesday. Damn that skinny bitch.

11:00pm: Melanie has booked us a room at the West Lake Inn in Downs, Kansas. We remark how ironic it is that two special ed teachers are staying in a town called Downs. The room is only forty bucks but it is awesome! There is a phone book from 2006, a restaurant guide (which included three different ones!) from 2009, and a special set of rags that were specifically labeled for wiping off guns. This may sound sarcastic, but the shower was hot and Bridesmaids was on TV. Best $40 EVER!!!