Danger! Danger! Christmas Music Is Here!

    I should not be shocked.

    Every year, Christmas music seems to creep in through store sound systems earlier and earlier. I mean, the day after Halloween is a bit extreme, don’t you think?

    People who have known me for a while know that I am not a fan of this time of year. There are elements of it that are tolerable, and having some time off is quite nice. (Although I’m reminded frequently by my remaining roommate that those poor souls working in the retail industry do not have my luxury of lying around in my comfy PJs and pissing and moaning over how the holidays suck while watching Star Wars and eating leftover turkey and drinking bourbon on the couch for two weeks. I suppose those would be the finer points of the holidays.)

    Some of those cheery-types ask me, “What’s your problem with the holidays? It’s the most wonderful time of the year!”

    This makes me angry, for two reasons: a) It has now implanted that Christmas song by Andy Williams and I am forced to sing it in my head for hours, and b) it is NOT the most wonderful time of the year for many.

    Yes, I appreciate my family, and good friends, and my health. I am grateful for having a house, being published, and access to heat (and bourbon). I have many things for which to be insanely thankful. That is why I celebrate Thanksgiving with gusto.

    And this is why Christmas music, being played the day after Halloween, makes me want to gag on a fucking Christmas cookie.

    It is a reminder that Thanksgiving, which in my opinion is the most neglected holiday, once again plays second fiddle to the holiday of buying shit. It is a reminder that many people are not eager to jump for joy, but are forced to recall that someone they loved can no longer be with them to celebrate anything. For some, that music is a reminder that for the next two months, they will have to think about people they miss so terribly that it feels as though an actual body part is missing, while being forced to make nice at office parties and pretend they are not hurting so as not to spoil the joy of others. And for those people who actually lost someone duringthe holidays, multiply these feelings by ten or so.

    And so, for this humor writer, I take a leave of absence from comedy after my special day of giving thanks until the new year. I think about not only those I’ve lost, but I grieve for the many people who must trudge through the holidays with heavy hearts.

    This blog is dedicated to those people. My people. If you spend Christmas Day watching Star Wars in your jammies eating microwaved corndogs and drinking Jack Daniels, just know you aren’t alone.

    Happy Thanksgiving, my friends, with many blessings.