S & M and Carl Sagan in the U.S.A.

 October 7, 2013

I don’t like change. And I don’t like goodbyes. My sentimental side rears its ugly head far too often, and that is why we said a very quick goodbye at the Denver airport this morning.

Upon checking in and laboriously making my way through the enormous airport to my gate, I chose to think about the good things:

The hilarious road trip we just had, and how our little-boy humor has not waned since I turned 40. It has gotten worse.

Our faux lesbo wedding at the center of the country.

How we laughed during the rainstorm through Arkansas when KC and the Sunshine Band came on Sirius XM and reminded us that we are walking on sunshine. Then through the beautiful skies of the turnpike in Oklahoma, when “Singing in the Rain” came on.

The glow-in-the-dark glasses and bubble-blowing kit that Claudia put in the care package. Melanie was annoyed when I blew bubbles at her face while driving through Colorado.

All the truckers we waved at who waved back.

How annoyed Melanie pretended not to be when I talked and sang in my Carl Sagan voice for miles.

The fact that I went totally without alcohol for TWO DAYS when Melanie had a giant bottle of Partida tequila in the back all along! I’m still pissed about that one.

And so, as I buckled myself into my seat on the plane, I smiled, thinking about the good things.

Then I sneezed several times, giving me the appearance of one who is upset. I actually wasn’t, but the sweet old grandma across the aisle from me looked over at my sneezy face and remarked, “Honey? Are you okay? You look like you’ve just lost your best friend.”

And that was it.

“M-M-M-Melanie just m-moved to Seattle!” I busted out, tears immediately spilling over my face, “and now I have to go back home and her room’s gonna be empty!” The reality finally hit.

She reached out her hand and patted mine, which had a gross snotty tissue in it (mine, not hers). She probably did not want to hear about our hysterical road trip and how gassy we were, but I told her anyway (leaving out the gassy parts) and she listened.

And then I told her how this was the first plane since 2008 that I will actually have landed in, and that sparked a conversation amongst all the people sitting near us who wanted to hear about my skydiving adventures. I became a star once again, and that cheered me up a little. And then I handed out all of my business cards with my autograph on them and that really cheered me up.

So I guess I must now end S & M in the U.S.A. Farewell, loyal followers. I hope you have enjoyed my blog. I know I have.

  

But you know what really pisses me off? I needlessly went without alcohol for TWO DAYS!!!!!!!