I AM A JEENYUS

     I am a jeenyis. I mean, geenuis.

     I had always suspected I was a genuis, but it was confirmed when my filmmaker friend Michael Dunaway posted something on Facebook about how it has been statistically proven that women with larger butts are smarter. (And if you haven’t yet seen his film The Man Who Ate New Orleans, this is really an excellent documentary that you should watch. Now.)

     But the reason I say I am a genius is because I have figured out how to publish my books on Kindle and CreateSpace, the latter being Amazon’s venue of releasing print copies.

     “You are, in no way, a genius,” my computer-savvy roommate barks, as she fiddles with something on my website. “Right now you are probably the furthest thing from a genius,” she says. I am licking the bowl that had black bean chili in it moments earlier. It was good!

     “Yes I am,” I say. “I have the big butt to prove it.”

     “You may write books, but you don’t know anything about maintaining your website. You have to ask me every month to remind you how to update your blog. If it weren’t for Terry, you’d never be able to figure out how to publish your books on Kindle and you certainly don’t know the first thing about uploading it to CreateSpace,” she says. “And you can’t even remember that Mark Ruffalo’s name is not Mark Buffalo!”

     “And that is why I am a genius,” I say.

     She rolls her eyes. “Whatever.”

     Let me explain.

     I now have four books published. The fourth one, The Skydivers’Guardian, is currently being transformed into a print book through CreateSpace. It is available on Kindle but in the next week or so, my dear readers can own a copy with my actual signature inside, and flip through the pages of glorious new-book smell. While my website is being updated by my roommate on the couch, Publisher Terry is in his office assigning ISBN numbers and adjusting page margins and cussing. All of this is being done while I kick back and lick a chili bowl.

     Who’s the genius now, huh?

     “If Mark Ruffalo ever reads your books and you actually meet him someday, you’re going to feel like an idiot when you don’t know anything he’s been in and you can’t even say his name correctly,” roommate says. “And that might actually happen some day, because he’s friends with your friend Michael Dunaway. I saw their picture on your Facebook feed when I was showing you how to update your Facebook page.”

     That’s fine. I have four books published, a nice website, and I didn’t have to do any of it myself. I’m a genius! Mark Buffalo probably likes chicks with smaller butts, though.